Safe, but Speedy

I was born with a lead foot. Literally. When I came out, the doctors weighed my right foot, and it came to a whopping 10 pounds. Since then, it's just gotten progressively heavier. It's genetic. Everyone in my family has. Everyone. But, in our defense, we just can't help it. That's just the way we were made.

But it never has really affected me because I consider myself the MASTER of getting out of tickets. Here are a couple rules that I follow when pulled over. Always take off your sunglasses. Make sure the cop can see your eyes and the sadness that is filling them. For you women, if your hair is up, take it down. But you have to do it fast, so he doesn't know what you're doing. And never ever play dumb with the speed limit. We all know what the speed limit is, but we just choose not to obey it. So when the cop asks you if you know what the speed limit is, promptly answer. And then proceed to spew out a bunch of useless, sad information. Act really nervous, and tell him repeatedly how sorry you are and that you didn't realize how fast you were going. But the most important key is to never let the cop get to his cruiser before you've had a chance to go through these steps. If he goes back to his cruiser, writes the ticket, and then you try to work it, you will lose. If he takes the time to write the ticket, he's going to give it to you.

In the MANY times that I've been pulled over, this has only failed me twice. Once, when I was first married and had no makeup on because it was early morning. Not even mascara, which we all know for me can be very scary with my albino white eyelashes. I'd like to blame it on my lack of confidence to to the missing mascara. But the second time happened last night. I was so surprised that I was being pulled over that I didn't use any of my skills. None of them! Needless to say that I came home with a big ugly ticket.

My confidence is slightly wounded, but with my family speed gene, I'm sure I'll be able to exercise my well-honed skills in no time.