Lets hear it for Brooke
When I was pregnant with Charlie. I was excited for him to come. Really excited. I wanted to hold him, smell him, snuggle with him. I was even excited to change his little dirty diapers. Whenever I would tell people I was pregnant, the usual response would be, "congratulations!" and I thought rightfully so. Bringing a person into the world is a huge undertaking and I felt like I should be congratulated on it.
But then Charlie came. The first two days in the hospital were amazing. I got to be with this perfect little person that I was a partial creator of. He was so cute and snuggly. There were always lots of hands around to hold him and rock him. Plus, I got hot chocolate and oreo cookies whenever I rang the little bell. So, come on, who wouldn't enjoy that?
But then I went home.
And then I felt sad. Really sad. Cry in the shower everyday sad. Hard to get dressed sad. Sympathize with mothers who abandoned their children sad....I never ever wanted to hurt Charlie...I always nursed, bathed, and snuggled with him. But I certainly didn't love him. And really, I just wanted him to go away.
I always thought that I was doing something wrong. I told myself that I just need a schedule, and then I wouldn't feel this way. So I forced myself to get up, pray, read my scriptures, exercise, do my hair and makeup....all the things that I thought would help me to feel better. And even though I had done all of these things. I would sit on the couch and nurse Charlie and cry.
But then it started to get really bad when I stopped crying and just became numb. I didn't feel happy. I didn't feel sad. I just felt numb. I thought that I would feel that way forever.
But luckily I didn't. Around the third month, those feelings started to go away. Charlie started to get cute to me, he had a happy personality, and I started to settle into the role as a stay home mom.
I think there are three factors that played into what I was going through.... I had gone from working full time to staying home full time which can be a huge adjustment. Also, when Charlie was only 6 weeks old, we moved from Provo, where I had friends and a social life to San Francisco where it was foggy all the time and I didn't know anyone. But I think the third and major contributor to the way I was feeling was post pardum depression. My hormones were crazy and I just didn't know it. No one talked about it. No one told me anything about it. I felt like I was the only crazy mom who wasn't madly in love with her newborn.
So three cheers to Brooke Shields who came out and shared her story and made postpardum a topic that wasn't so taboo. She helped me to realize what I had gone through, and I know that I can take action when this next one comes to make sure it doesn't happen again.
I went to my doctor today and asked her about it and she said that even though I would be breastfeeding, a mom on medication is better than a depressed mom not on medication. SO...after this next baby is born, if I get ANY signs of depression, I am calling my doctor immediately and getting some meds.
I want to love this baby, not resent him, and I think he deserves that too.
But then Charlie came. The first two days in the hospital were amazing. I got to be with this perfect little person that I was a partial creator of. He was so cute and snuggly. There were always lots of hands around to hold him and rock him. Plus, I got hot chocolate and oreo cookies whenever I rang the little bell. So, come on, who wouldn't enjoy that?
But then I went home.
And then I felt sad. Really sad. Cry in the shower everyday sad. Hard to get dressed sad. Sympathize with mothers who abandoned their children sad....I never ever wanted to hurt Charlie...I always nursed, bathed, and snuggled with him. But I certainly didn't love him. And really, I just wanted him to go away.
I always thought that I was doing something wrong. I told myself that I just need a schedule, and then I wouldn't feel this way. So I forced myself to get up, pray, read my scriptures, exercise, do my hair and makeup....all the things that I thought would help me to feel better. And even though I had done all of these things. I would sit on the couch and nurse Charlie and cry.
But then it started to get really bad when I stopped crying and just became numb. I didn't feel happy. I didn't feel sad. I just felt numb. I thought that I would feel that way forever.
But luckily I didn't. Around the third month, those feelings started to go away. Charlie started to get cute to me, he had a happy personality, and I started to settle into the role as a stay home mom.
I think there are three factors that played into what I was going through.... I had gone from working full time to staying home full time which can be a huge adjustment. Also, when Charlie was only 6 weeks old, we moved from Provo, where I had friends and a social life to San Francisco where it was foggy all the time and I didn't know anyone. But I think the third and major contributor to the way I was feeling was post pardum depression. My hormones were crazy and I just didn't know it. No one talked about it. No one told me anything about it. I felt like I was the only crazy mom who wasn't madly in love with her newborn.
So three cheers to Brooke Shields who came out and shared her story and made postpardum a topic that wasn't so taboo. She helped me to realize what I had gone through, and I know that I can take action when this next one comes to make sure it doesn't happen again.
I went to my doctor today and asked her about it and she said that even though I would be breastfeeding, a mom on medication is better than a depressed mom not on medication. SO...after this next baby is born, if I get ANY signs of depression, I am calling my doctor immediately and getting some meds.
I want to love this baby, not resent him, and I think he deserves that too.
6 comments:
i love you jos!
good for you, josie. what a horrible thing to go through, but how admirable that you still gave your best. what a lucky boy, that charlie. :)
thank you so much for being brave enough to discuss your experience. i think too many women hide it from the world or brush it off as typical "baby blues," which does a disservice to anyone experiencing postpartum depression because they either think they are crazy, alone or a bad mother. and really it's just their hormones!
i only had a few days of sleep-deprivation induced crankiness and feeling overwhelmed, but if it were to get bad, i would call my doctor in a heartbeat. and any other mother should too ... without any shame.
down with tom cruise!
i mean, did we really need another excuse to dislike the chap? he's ruined "top gun" for me.
you are amazing, josie. i am glad you are willing to talk about this. i know it is something that many people experience to some degree. not only are you willing to endure hard pregnancies, but you are willing to go through that again. what lucky little boys to have such a brave mother!
you are incredible. brooke has nothing on you, my dear. let's hear it for jos.
...ps: tomcat's baby is ugly.
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