I thought I knew what it meant to feel sad. I thought I'd felt it a few times in my relatively short life. Turns out, I had no idea.
On June 10th, my sweet friend Sara passed from this life onto the next. And ever since then, there has been a steady ache in my chest. I guess it's good that I live in Colorado now because not many people know her here and not many people know what I'm feeling about her death. So it's something that I don't have to talk about very often.
But I miss her. I miss her so much. I miss her every single day. I wonder when the missing and the ache is going to lessen. So far, not so much. My heart goes out to Jamie and her three perfect kids and her mom and dad and sisters and brothers. Their ache and sadness I'm sure is much deeper than mine. I feel guilty feeling this much hurt when she wasn't my spouse or daughter or mother. But just a friend. But mine is all I know.
I still am having a hard time wrapping my brain around the idea that she's actually gone. I find myself wanting to call or text her when something funny happens and go to grab my phone but realize she can't answer.
Every night when I pray, I ask Heavenly Father to tell her hi for me and let her know how much I love her. And then I fall asleep while surfing the internet on my phone. Because if I try to go to sleep without it, I think about Sara and get sad. And then I really can't sleep. So, until I somehow work through this, Pinterest is my new sleep-aid.
And I have to remind myself that no matter how much I feel like she is needed here for her husband, for her kids, and selfishly, for me, Heavenly Father needed her more. I'm guessing He has big plans for her because that girl does not know how to do small.
I don't really know why I got so lucky to be Sara's friend. I'm thinking maybe Lisa bribed her after I won Lisa over with "my story." Whatever the reason, Lisa and Sara both welcomed me into their friendship with their arms wide open and I am FOREVER grateful for that.
My time with her was just under a decade. But it was such a good one. Filled with lots of playdates, time at the pool, and my favorite, hanging out on the couch. Too many meaningless and meaningful conversations to count.
She was such an example of absolute unwavering faith; her testimony of the goodness of this life and our Father in Heaven's plan with her even at the very end. She was so sweet, so cute, so incredibly thoughtful and so freaking hilarious. And one of the best friends a girl could ever ask for.
Glad you're feeling better, Sara. And I can't wait to see you again. Love you!
4 comments:
I totally understand what you mean. My heart aches for my Dad. It's only been four in a half months but it feels like its been years since I have seen him. I feel like the pain is getting worse because of all the new experiences without him. Nua knows from experience of that feeling of losing a loved one and he tells me it will take years.
I think the friendship you two had was amazing. I am still in disbelief that Sarah is gone. I understand that we will all die one day but, I struggle understanding why did it have to be Sarah now. Her Funeral was beautiful. I thought it was wonderful to see a family so strong in the gospel.
The lessons I have learned in church about death has not prepared me for the reality of it. The pain and anguish that I feel at times seems so unbearable.
Josie, you are awesome and I am so grateful for the examples that Sara and you have been in my life. I miss you guys and wish we could have more of those fun day's again.
Love,
Mae
Josie, I know this pain. This heartache. This sadness. The heaviness. And, I can also tell you that time does start to heal those feelings. The heaviness starts to fade. The constant sadness diminishes. Thoughts are still every day, some days harder than others but a sweetness returns in the memories.
It will be three years this August that we lost my brother. The first year was the hardest. The second year a bit easier and this third year my heart has lightened and a sweetness has returned. It doesn't mean I have forgotten about him or don't think of him. But every day life has returned to feeling calmer. I remember that first whole year having to say out loud....my brother is dead. He is in heaven....because some days I just couldn't wrap my thoughts around it that he was really gone.
I hope knowing that time does help heal these wounds, offers comfort. Thankful for our knowledge of life after death.
What a sweet tribute, Josie. I didn't know Sara, but I can tell from your words that she is one in a million. I hope your ache lessens, but that your memories never fade. Love you!
So, everyday I tell myself to do a blog post about Sara and everyday I just can't because it's still too hard for me. I really should just copy and paste yours because it's perfect. Everything I would want to say, you said it better. I'm crying sitting here typing just this, could you imagine what I would be like if I actually did a whole post. Not good is all I can say!
Love you Jos!
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