I'm good enough, smart enough, and dog gone it, people like me.

On my recent trip to Utah, I went through all of my old storage in my mom's basement. There were old letters (mostly love letters from Justin when we were dating), tapes (mix tapes from friends in high school), and even a baby blanket that I bought when I visited Bethlehem. But among all of these little treasures were the six journals from my college and mission years that I had completely forgotten about. That's right. Six. And they were all filled cover to cover.

So the past few days, I've been reading over them, and through all of the pages, one thing has become so clear....why didn't I realize then how great I am? Each journal entry was riddle with some form of self doubt like, "I can't figure out why he likes me" or "I'm just not very good at that." One entry actually said, "I think it's because I'm too ugly." Can you believe that? No one, and I mean no one, should be allowed to say something as lothesome about themselves as that.

It has actually made me really sad to think that I could have been that hard on myself. So I've recommited myself to some rules. (I actually commited myself to these rules about a year and a half ago, but these journal entries have been a good reminder for me.) And now I'm going to let you all know what my rules are so that I can be accountable to someone other than myself.

1...and most importantly, NO NEGATIVE SELF TALK. never. I can be allowed to look at my life and see what I can do better, and adjust the things that I think I can change. But if I can't change it, or really don't need to, I'm going to let it go. For example, my wrinkles. You can't really see them in pictures, but when I look really closely in a mirror, I can see lots and lots of them under my eyes. I've had them forever (it's genetic, they're called allergy eyes), and I've always hated them. I used to obsess and try all sorts of creams. But recently (like the last 3 months) I've realized that there here to stay and that I need to just let it go. As strange as it may sound, it has been a HUGE relief. Now I can wash my hands, and look in the mirror and think about actually washing my hands instead of "ooh, barf. i look old."

And much to Justin's dismay, I've actually enforced this rule on him. He can say whatever he wants about himself to himself, but if I can hear it, he's not allowed to say anything negative about himself. He's so smart, strong, and hot that anything else he could choose to say about himself would be a downright lie and I just don't want to hear it. (wow, that was a lot of 'himself's)

2... Sometimes I might fall short of my ideal situation, but I'm not going to let myself feel guitly. Really, each day, I try to be patient with Charlie, plan fun activities, keep the house clean, have delicious dinners. But if I'm really honest with myself, sometimes making dinner grosses me out, and sometimes Charlie can really be annoying, and sometimes, the most exciting thing I have planned is a trip to the grocery store, and sometimes the house looks like a bomb went off. And even with all of that, it doesn't make me any less of a good person, and there is NO need for me to let myself feel guilty.

So really, I just have two goals for myself. But I think they're good goals, and I'm okay with that.